Miss you when you're gone

Hello everyone! I figured I could write on here since it has been a while. What you see above is a picture I was planning on putting up as a "10 Things About Me" for Youtube but I look at it now and I'm like "uh, no." So I want to make something new before I upload that video. I wanted to put it up last week but I figured I would rather put up something I'm really proud of instead of just getting up there as fast as possible. I can do better, so I will.

How has everyone been? I have been making it a mission of mine to draw every single day, even if it's a sketch. It has been going well, but I'm trying to move forward from sketches and have more full-color sketches instead, if not an actual illustration. I guess it has been proving to be difficult with the limited time I have been having. I'm also trying to mix what I do so it's not just in my sketchbook. I have been enjoying working with my iPad Pro more often with sketches lately. Not that I'm posting anywhere, really. Except I'm trying to do it here more often.

House organizing has been a main priority for me! Josh and I are working hard to make the house fit right for both of us and it has been a great way to get my mind off of things. We have a yard now and we have to figure things out like... plants and gardening and stuff. ADULT THINGS? Well, yeah. One of my personal projects has been my office. I think the layout and what's in there changes every month, but that's because I'm trying to figure it out! I have brought over my artwork boxes from previous years and it is such a pleasure having them in my room ;-; I have dreamed of having them with me and open and available for me to go through whenever I want. I haven't really had that since I lived at my family home. When I need some inspiration I like to leaf through the boxes and find some old artwork. I have been doing that a bit more, lately. I found some real gems!

A personal project I have been trying to accomplish is to wear more clothes that I'm comfortable with. I know I have mentioned it on here before, but it's still a work in progress. As much as I love makeup, I love going makeup free and feeling more comfortable with myself. 

Daily life has been going. Josh and I make our time together an adventure and we like to mix up fun and responsibilities as much as we can. The other day we went into the city and decided to just go exploring. We haven't done that in a long time, and we had a lot of fun. We had macarons, went to art stores and splurged a bit. We tried the unicorn frap (I didn't like it, he was ok with it)! 

We have also been cleaning out his grandma's house and have been finding some real treasures from a long time ago. We found journals from the early 1900's and some penmanship to aspire to. We were fortunate enough to grab some furniture from her house to put in our own. Our house has furniture that has been passed down in my family and now some furniture from his grandma, including a model ship his grandpa made. We haven't been there a year yet but it really does feel like our home more and more. 

I keep this blog for fun, and to have a place to put my art. The feeling of "not being good enough" is starting to loom over me and I admit it has been a bit difficult to get through it. Going through my old artwork didn't exactly help. I really love what I did previous years. I can see how much I loved drawing and didn't care about putting it up or showing anyone besides my friends. I have had some really inspiring friends that always kept me going and gave me so much support over the years. Seeing what I created is inspiring but also a little overwhelming. I can't draw nearly as much now but whenever I do draw I just feel like it will never be up to par with my expectations. I know, I know, me and every artist in the world. I'm just feeling down about it, lately. I have some work from my friends mixed in with my own in those art boxes and seeing what they created at the same age gives me that same conflicting feeling. Inspired, but down. I can't help compare myself to others because I want my art to be just as good! I want to be just as successful! I have to keep going, I guess. 

The other thing I used to do so much of was write. I have binders worth of my writing since 2003. Like I mean, thick bunches of paper with every college ruled line filled. I never could have imagined back then that I would find these stories again at my age and read them with a red face. 

I was proud of myself, and I still am. Those boxes are filled with pure love. Love for what I did, love for my characters and love for my fandoms (CHEEEEEESY)! I want to be like that again. I'm so happy I saved everything the way I did. I have math and science notes from when I started high school filled with doodles and sketches and I remember what went through my head back then. It's crazy that I'm now teaching students that age about art and how to draw! It was like seeing little Deanna through a window and what a terrible student she was, haha!

I don't know if many people read my blog. I'm grateful is you do. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. I don't typically get this personal and introspective in entries. I guess these thoughts are nagging at me and I'm unsure of what to do with them. Just keep going, going.